Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Pants are for mortals
Randomize
