At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
These tits shall not be calmed
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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