I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
