Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
