Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm too high and old for this...
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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