1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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