Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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