What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
