i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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