i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize