proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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