She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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