wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
