So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
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