we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
