just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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