I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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