Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
