Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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