I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
