i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
