When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
