I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
