no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
