Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
