It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
