Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
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