i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
