Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
