Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
