it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
