i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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