I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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