you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
