Yo dont text me then not text me
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
