Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
