i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
well I can't set my house on fire every night
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
