A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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