Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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