just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
