Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize