I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
