I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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