She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
