this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
