Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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