we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
