This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
