Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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