watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
