I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
