If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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