I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
