Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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