she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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