It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I smell like Dick and happiness
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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