RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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