I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
