I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
My underwear smells like fireworks.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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