Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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