I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Randomize
