She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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