She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Randomize
