the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
