no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
