I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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