in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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