Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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