Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
