i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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