K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
