someone threw a dead crab at me
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
